Finding a partner on the net?  Yes, it sounds great especially since you can wrap yourself in anonymity. For a while anyway, at least until the first actual meeting, which can then be a really disillusioning experience.  Just when everything comes together, the writing style, proper use of grammar, then the voice on the telephone, the thoughtfulness. You actually believe that reality will be this great.

Then you see him and suddenly wish you could disappear.  Yieks!   The way he dresses, the pot belly, he is balding.  To be diplomatically brief– he's not your type.  He didn't look like that on the photo!  It's not fair, the photo he sent had to be at least 15 years old!  Forced conversation, uncomfortable, strained.  The only decent thing to do would be to say good-bye right here and now, but no.  Maybe tomorrow I will be bolder behind the monitor when I don't see his face, hear his voice.

Ouch!  The next day he beats me to the punch with a letter in which he tells me, sorry but things will not work.  Sigh of relief!  That was close.  I respond telling him, it's OK, no hard feelings.  So I continue to search on the net hopeful as the offering is abundant, just like a market.

From now on it will be an important factor that the photo be recent.  This time I won't rush it but correspond longer.  It's interesting that without knowing who is on the other end I entrust the person with my secrets and intimacies.  Perhaps I shouldn't but that's just me, I don't want to bore him with routine stuff.

The mail exchange becomes more frequent and I anticipate his responses with excitement.  Then the tone of the letters takes on a more intimate style indeed the topics become increasingly more exciting.  By this time I feel as though I've known this person for thousands of years and am willing to believe that I'm in love.  He confesses the same to me.

All right then, I’ll venture out from behind the safety of my monitor.  Let's see each other face to face.  The meeting came abruptly and in my excitement I had no idea what to think or feel.  It felt as though my head was empty, but around my heart there was a slight but warm glow.  A quick kiss that almost made me melt in his arms.  The next date followed quickly and was much smoother.  It was also hot, passionate and beyond reason.

It was then that I really thought about it: dear God could this be possible?  Could we really have found each other, being mutually satisfied with each other?  I was really given this gift in  my lifetime?  And - continuing to trust in his honesty – he claims the same about me.  This is so beautiful, I could cry from happiness.

And the changes began.  My surroundings became aware of the fact that I was different, that I no longer hide behind my mousy gray facade, but that I'm happier and more colorful and even dress better.  I gave up smoking (this is significant, even I never thought I could), I'm concerned about my looks and what's most important:  I'm HAPPY!!!

He can see the difference but says nothing.  I, on the other hand, can't hide my feelings and have to tell him!

It happened. Deadly quiet. Oh, no, where did I go wrong?  Maybe I overwhelmed him with my feelings too soon?  He never said there were no limits, that anything was possible.  No, that this!

Something broke between us, the line clicked then it was busy. The number can't be connected. I can't believe this, how could this happen?  He could not have left me without so much as an explanation?  I can't survive that...!

I cried for five days, hiding from the eyes of the world.  On the sixth day I could not even cry anymore, my throat was in a spasm if I heard a telephone ring.  I was waiting, still waiting, hoping that it was just a misunderstanding.  I was suffering and could not even imagine how to go on.  I've attempted to telephone him several times but before he could answer I hung up.  I wrote several e-mails but he did not respond.  This is terrible, he discounts my feelings completely?!

Then once I did wait until he answered the telephone and by then there was no turning back.  I've put the question to him briefly:  is it over?  He was a bit surprised and couldn't understand where that came from.  His voice was upset and explained what he had gone through during the past few days.  As he talked I began to feel more and more embarrassed.  My problem – although it was not small – vanished compared to his.  While he talked the clouds from around me have lifted as from the sky of our relationship.  I felt that I loved this man even more than I thought I did.  He means so much to me that I'm willing to fight for him.  He dissolved my doubts and told me that I too was important to him and that there was no problem between us.

I learned something very important from all of this:  patience, patience.  They do say it is a virtue!

Erika