Dear Andrea,
I am so glad I found your column.  I've needed to get this out from inside for so long; and I am grateful you have a place I can do it.

The story I'm about to tell you doesn't have an ending yet.   I first met Bob in a chat room about 6 years ago. He lived in Pittsburgh, PA then; and I lived in Sayreville, NJ.   I enjoyed his conversation immensely; and soon we were chatting and leaving emails almost every day.  I was just separated and his fiancee had recently left him.  We needed each other emotionally at the time; and we were always there for each other at any time of the day or night regardless of the time necessary to get us through the current crisis.

We cried, on each others shoulders, laughed, joked, talked about everything.  We "sang" to each other, and made up games to play online.  One that I loved was the musical lyrics game.  We had to guess the song.  To this day, Elton John and All-4-1 are the essence of Bob.  We could tell each other anything.  We knew the other's moods even if we tried to hide it; and finish the other's thoughts.  It was amazing to me how we could type the same thoughts at the same exact time.  I was drawn to this man like no other.  He seemed too good to be true.  There were/are so many thoughts going through my head about him, and us. I fell head over heals for him; and he did likewise. We physically just couldn't do without the other, without that connection online.

He is a very sensitive, passionate, caring, considerate, loving man of high morals.  He stands by his convictions; and will endure great personal sacrifice for the sake of what is right.  He is truly a gentle soul.  He is an only child; and grew up on a farm. He went to college in Pittsburgh and remained there after graduation.  He was making his way in the city.  Even so, to me,  he seemed so out of place in the city.  I knew it; and he felt it.  It weighed heavy on him.  He had the innocence of a child about him. All I wanted to do was to love him. We just seemed to connect at just the right time when we each most needed emotional support.  I'll never forget that first New Year's Eve.  We made a date to be with each other for midnight.  We were talking from around 7 pm to midnight.  We each had a candle going and a little something to drink for the bells.  We continued talking way into the next morning till maybe 10 am. (as far as I can remember).  We even had a special song, "I Can Love You Like That" by All-4-1.  One time we made a pact to think about each other at 3 pm the next day, throwing out our vibes to each other across the miles.  I really felt him; and he told me that he really felt me.  All the sensations he inspired felt so real to me.  I will never forget the 3 pm of that day. As wonderful as I thought he was, I also had questions and reservations about him.  Understand, I was skeptical about anything even resembling an "online romance".  I knew that anyone could do, be, and say anything they wished and who else could really know the difference.

At one time I even thought he was a woman.  He just seemed too emotional to be a man, I don't know why. We exchanged photos; but I thought to myself that it could be anyone's photo. Through the years, he's been consistent, so at this time I believe he is a man.   Another peculiar thing was that he was obsessed with his privacy.  One time I joked about coming to find him; and he literally freaked out.  So naturally, I thought he was married or had someone with him; but I had his address, We sent letters in the mail all the time, too.  I never, though, really got the chance to dig deeper than the white pages online.

Then came the day I was to move out of the marital house.  I didn't have any money and could not afford a computer.  Both of us literally freaked out. But before I finally signed off to him, he told me that he was going to marry someone else.  I was devastated.  I cried and cried for days turning into weeks,  making myself sick.  Finally, I had to go on with my life, I had no choice.  I was blessed with finding a divorce support group.  I talked about Bob too.  Little diversions found their way to me until I was finally in a good stable place.  In the mean time, he wrote me how much it tore him up inside that he had to do that to me; and that he would always love me; and that I would always have a special place in his heart.  I thought to myself that it wouldn't do "me" much good; but alas, he also had a very special place in my heart.  Eventually, I wrote him back, accepting his friendship; and that I could never hate him.  I still could only see him as a goodness in my life.  How could I feel negatively in any way towards someone who had only been a force of support and genuine concern in my life?

Our relationship evolved to that of a close friendship.  We shared our lives with each other.  He wrote about his blooming new life; and I did the same. I could not be anything but happy that he was finally finding happiness.  He moved to Washington State; and I moved around also, coming to rest in New York.  In the interim, his father died; and he had heart surgery.   I dated; but never had a lasting relationship.  He began writing about problems he and his wife were having.  It hurt me to see him hurting.  I tried my best to support, offer advice, to offer inspiring words.  There were times when in answering his letters, I didn't have a clue as to what I was going to say. Then, it would all come out in a flourish and all written down pat at the first penning.  It seemed to me, divinely inspired.   Our relationship grew to be something much more than we ever expected.  We could still rely on each other, we still loved each other; but it was different, deeper.  Yet we never spoke.

Then a little over a year ago, I got a computer; and we resumed our correspondence online.  It was great to talk to him "live" again.   It was then I found out that the problems he was having with his wife had escalated to a separation and divorce.  He had a really rough time dealing with it.  He resumed dating even though I tried to tell him he wasn't ready.  He threw off these vibes of desperation.  "I" could sense it; so I knew that the women he took out could sense it too.   He was miserable; and got crazy at the idea of being alone.   We continued talking; but not every day.  I held him at a long arm's distance.  I felt that I was much more stable emotionally than he was. Most of all, I couldn't get caught up in him like I had been long ago.  The thought of it was terrifying to me.   So, I made sure I kept it safely on the ground.   During this time I saw him grow from a person being terrified of the loneliness to an individual who is actively seeking to rediscover himself after the devastation. About a month ago, we were reminiscing late one evening.   One thing led to another, and I revealed my feelings to him. He was always telling me that he never stopped loving me; and that night I just couldn't blow it off anymore. We again, laid bare our emotions to each other.  All the old feelings came rushing back to destroy that wall I had up for so long.  What did it was when he said, "If I knew that Id have a chance with you, I'd come to NY."

As time passed, that old question came to mind about us never speaking over the phone.  I asked him one night, "Don't you ever want to hear my voice?" He said, "yes"’; but didn't elaborate.  He then blurted out that he was going to be in my area for a convention; and got 3 weeks vacation approved for after it.  He is coming to see me late October, 2000.  He wants me to fly back with him when he goes. I was dumbfounded.  I still can't believe it; and that New Yorker part of me says "seeing is believing".   Two months to wait may not seem a lot after 6 years; but it's already been an eternity for me. Most of the time, I remain realistic and open to all the possibilities I can think of, including the fact that he might not show up at all.  In a way, I am glad because it will sort of be the climax to a very long story.  Either the story will blissfully continue; or it will end forever.

Thank you for listening.
pax,
Debbie

Believe it or not, I am still in contact with Bob.  He is that once "in a lifetime" love for me, and I guess that if/when we get the opportunity to meet and see where this might lead, I'll always be in a sort of stasis.  I've tried dating others; but I notice that I measure them up to Bob... the ideal that I have of him. We have talked about the "idealic expectations" that we might have of one another and the fears of not being able to live up to them... both of us. For my part, I know how to separate the fantasy from the reality of a person; and I still feel that we, as a couple, have a pretty good chance of thriving. I am going to start pressing him to at least meet as we are closer geographically than ever before.  I have nothing to lose by doing that; and everything to gain.  I am, all the time now, thinking about pressing the issue... initiating some form of action.  I can't stand this stagnation.

I enjoyed reading your latest stories.
Sincerely,
Debbie