In the middle of summer I've received a long and exceptionally well written letter that began:

“Dear Andrea,
I don't think you'd expect to get a letter from Italy and especially in Hungarian, although on the internet nothing is surprising.  I arrived a week ago and before leaving somebody suggested that I read the love stories published in the Internet Kalauz archives.  That is because I came to Italy to be with my boyfriend whom I met on the internet IRC.  My story is not finished, we've not reached any goals, many things are uncertain, many are natural but the fact is that I'm here, we're here.  My boyfriend is working, I read, study, take walks, go to church and wait for him to come home.  Basically I'm writing because I'm in the middle of a love story, have the time, I have an opinion and am very curious…..”

I became curious myself about the author, found both her story and her thoughts interesting and we began corresponding and finally we met.  That is when the following conversation took place that I feel contains lots of new thoughts about internet love affairs.

Was it by choice or chance that you've found your love on the IRC?
There was no specific reason for me to begin conversing on the net, I never made a decision that I would now find friends, much less boyfriends in this manner.  It just happened.  I liked it, suddenly many people began talking with me.  I guess it is not surprising with my romantic sounding name that I quickly became popular.  Besides there are always more men in these chat-rooms than girls so they welcome the women that do drop in.

How did you find the world of IRC to be?
I feel that for many people the IRC turns into what they wish the real world to be, the way they would magically change it, what they would turn into if nothing else had to be done to achieve it except for speaking the magic word.  Here you can cry on the shoulders of ten or so people at a time, or you can step out of your inhibitions and vandalize the souls of others, destroy without any consequences getting back to you.  Whatever you do, you don't have to assume the responsibility because the nick you've created gave you another personality.  If we look at the extremes the effects of IRC are similar to alcohol: some will remove their negative others their positive inhibitions as the result of exposure.   Interesting the more I write or think about it the less impressed I am with the IRC.  No, that's not what I meant, the more dangerous I perceive it.  It is similar to dancing on the edge: difficult not to fall to either side.

Did you think about what makes a relationship that starts on the net different from others?   Many people have said that this medium works best for those for whom inner values are more important than what a person looks like.  How do you see this?
I've often thought about how much of a role such things play in a relationship: the personal connection in a mutual attraction, and the deeper characteristics and thought patterns of a person, the personality and the manner, movement, look and behavior of the other person.  It is a magical thing when we begin talking with a person whose soul resonates with our own, who tells you secrets and you fully understand what they mean (of course you know, most of the time either consciously or subconsciously), feel the purpose is to be on the same wavelength.   In actuality I think there is a great danger: if a person is affected by the appropriate stimuli we are able to get on anybody's wavelength.  We see examples of this in films, where we find ourselves align with a serial killer (Pulp Fiction) or at least we are unable to decide whose side we are on, the police or the robber.  These films are all excellent training ground to destroy our barriers.
It may sound a bit categorical to say that if a man or a woman feels emotionally attached to a person, if they've decided even subconsciously that they are in love with that person, there is no escaping.  This is where I feel the danger is in internet love affairs.  You get to know that layer of a person and it resonates in that part of you that, whether this is good or bad, you don't get to show often and especially not as an initial screen.  At the same time in a majority of cases those things that should harmonize not only do not, but end up with a strain due to the differences.
The normal (or should I say standard) relationships generally happen that you first see someone, get to know them.  It does not matter that you are introduced or meet by chance, but the prospects are automatically sorted into a ‘go’ or ‘no’ category.  Then as you get to know a person (by how he treats the elderly, the women he knows, his friends, how he treats me) and only after that do you consider how he thinks.  Through this process you either continue to elevate him in the potential category or smoothly slide him from the men/women category into a simple ‘people’ category.  On the net, ahead of all the other things, the words and thoughts and the feelings provoked by them that rise to the surface first and the other factors come to light only later on in the ‘relationship.’  I can't speak from experience yet since our relationship is not finished yet, but I do know that a relationship such as this is either a great trap or a great miracle.  Of course there are traps that are obstructed by miracles.  At the moment I can't say which category our relationship will go under.

How do you see yourself as a woman, and how much does that mean in the Internet world?
We women are genetically coded to accept into our protection anyone in need (it is called the ‘maternal instinct’).  That is a wonderful thing but you must know how to use it, especially if one is sensitive and can tune in to the emotions of others or has a great capacity for empathy.  People like that (as myself) sooner of later will sense the number of broken down, needy souls that are on the net and attempts sincerely to help them.  They may establish a chat room and without turning anyone down attempts to help everyone.  Most of the people on the net are male and of course most of them expect to find their solution (occasionally at the advice of a psychologist) in a female companion, a real relationship where HE will be accepted, HE will be loved and where they can finally be returned to the maternal lap.  The objective is that things finally get settled for HIM.  This is a real danger for the maternal type women.  It is very difficult to halt your emotions at a time like this, the desire to help, the intention of “I'll do anything to make it better for him.”

What do you think?  If these boys/men met you somewhere other than the net would they still be pining after you?
I won't say that I'm exactly pretty, but I've been blessed with a fairly ideal exterior at least in male eyes.  I'm not bragging, as a woman I suffer from anxiety about my looks, but I have hair to my waist, I'm not heavy set and I have large green eyes.  Yet when someone asks me for a picture I’ always scared.  Very few people have received my digital image and generally I sent them one with a clown suit on which I look somewhat like a Picasso painting.  Even so many people liked me and I really tried!  That's just as far as a picture, not to even mention a personal meeting.  There were some that thought me to be a fairy princess.  But only because that is what they wanted to perceive me as.  There were those that fell in love with me, but only because they wanted to.  Their sole desire was that something would happen in their lives, that they would fall in love, find the REAL partner.  For my part, I've tried to discourage them and succeeded.  There was one I could not discourage.  He is still deeply in love with me to this day.  There is nothing I can do.  We talk and occasionally I try to send a signal that the side of me that he saw is not me, but rather a part of me that caught on to his wavelength, but that is not  my general ‘condition.’  It is a tough nut….

After all this there was someone who came along that meant more to you than any of the others, and a serious relationship developed from the virtual meeting….
Yes, the person whose guest I was this summer is entirely different.  He did not want to be in love, didn't want anything in fact, only to talk and pass the time.  Eventually we've caught on to each other.  We understood each other, clowned around and I began to notice that he is getting more and more involved in my real life.  His the storybook prince about whom you not only hear stories about before bedtime, but in every situation every minute of the day.

I would think that a lot of the boys would be interested to know what was it about this boy that the others did not have that assured his success.  How can they win a girl over the internet?  Tell us what was it that he swept you off your feet with?
It is difficult to say, but I will try to put it into words.  First of all, he began the conversation with “May I?”  He was polite.  I was surprised how knowledgeable he was about most things that I knew nothing about.  He is intelligent.  He does all the things that I would like to and feel that it is only a matter of time and organization and I too will do them.  He speaks seven or eight languages, has a law degree, plays sports, reads a lot (he doesn't watch TV and neither do I), etc. and all the things that are in the background that make this life possible.  There must be order in his life otherwise there is no room for ironing along with reading, for work and travel and all the multitude of other things.  Then he asked me if possibly the following night at 9?  He was punctual, I was not   J  After that I also made an effort to be on time.  The feeling that he doesn't need me, or try to cling, nor do I have a particular need for him but we are able to talk and we are important to each other, it was great.  After that we began writing e-mail and he said that generally he used to get bored with long letters but mine did not bore him.  He responded at length.  He made time for me.  I was high enough on his list of priorities that he wrote, that he looked for me.  He became increasingly curious about me, something in me caught him although I've no idea what it was.

When did the subject of you two meeting personally come up?
Approximately a week later he sent me a doc-file.  That file contained the details of an auto tour from Avellin to Veszprem.  Precisely when, where, and how long. He was not joking, but rather took his interest in me seriously.  He called several times before we actually met signaling to me that I am important to him.  He intended to learn Hungarian and was willing to actually buy a plane ticket and come for a visit.  He did not hesitate spending his vacation time on me, he did not tremble with fear about what if we will not end up being in love with each other after all.  To him it meant that in any case he would see this country again and rest for a week.  In other words his approach concerning the trip was very positive.

The two of you have exchanged photos before meeting naturally.  An exciting turning point of internet romances is always the photo exchange, when for the first time you are faced with what does the other person actually look like, the exterior qualities.  From past experience this generally strengthens or turns what had been established up to that point, upside down.  What kind of feelings did the photo swap stir between you?
I was very pleased how he reacted to my photos.  He was taken, truly amazed.  Said he had no idea what a beautiful girl he's been talking with and things of that sort.  It made me feel great to have such a positive, significantly positive affect on someone I looked up to and respected.  I realize it was mostly my inner qualities that have attracted him but I t made me happy that he also liked my looks.

How did you receive his photos?
The first three were entirely positive.  On the first he was pensive, the second he was playing a sax and that is a terrific picture anyway.  It is taken from the side and is a whole body shot.  His face is entirely in the dark and the sun shines through his sunglasses, he's wearing a light colored shirt and pants with suspenders.  He looks like a performer on that photo.  The third photo received a ‘hunk’ designation from me.  He is wearing a sleeveless polo, warm brown, on the seashore…Later there were other pictures later that upset me.  He looked terrible on them.  Simply put, his age showed on them, he had circles under his eyes and bags, swollen face, things like that.  After all he is 37 years old but there are better looking people in that age bracket also. Anyway, I did not spend time looking at those photos, only the other three.

Having seen him on photos there were no surprises then when you two actually met,
or were there?
Well, when I first saw him the first thought in my head was ‘he is as old as he is’.  I saw him as old.  He looked different from all  of the photos I've had of him not only the first three.

Regardless of that you were able to accept him as he was, after all your relationship still exists.  Do you remember how your first date went?
We've agreed previously that we would meet on Batthyany ter.  There was a little misunderstanding but then we've found each other and immediately recognized each other.  We started walking and continued our clowning from where we've left off on the net.  There were no inhibitions, we did not feel that anything depended on how we behaved at this point.  I told myself that I was meeting someone from the IRC as I have in the past only this time we are not speaking Hungarian but English, and we would spend much more time together.  We both decided that there was absolutely nothing to lose so we both behaved naturally.  That was to be our  ‘undoing’ .

According to this you did succeed at falling in love with each other?
After five days at Siofok, he proposed.  The next day he repeated it and a month later one more time.  It would have been great if I could have said yes on the spot, we could have begun planning our wedding, etc. But I couldn't.  College, friends, the country, my groups, a foreign country with its own language. Actually, I did say yes, but I added, that it reflected a current feeling, a state of mind and not a decision.  We've somewhat passed each other on at least this point.  They say that from the moment a man proposes and a woman accepts, the couple is engaged.  In our case it was different.  The chance to retreat still hangs over us.

Based on your experience then, how important do you think outer beauty is in a love relationship?
If I can perceive as attractive the person I'm with then I don't think I can be in love.  I see this as a circle of events: I'm not in love with a particular person because I perceive him to be attractive, and I don't perceive him attractive because I am in love with him.  It is rather that I got to know him, that I saw his own beauty, his character.  I've learned what the sparkle in his eyes mean, I can read his expressions, those are the things that make him ‘mine’ and if what's inside him is ‘mine,’ he is my partner then I fall in love with him and I perceive him even more attractive as I come to know him better.  He is a human, a miraculous creation, full of wonder, full of differences from me, and isn't it wonderful that he is different from me. This too is beauty even if not the true beauty.  In any case, I can't imagine that my future husband should not be taken by my exterior or that I should not be taken by his.  He'll be ‘the one among ten thousand’ because he is the ‘lilly among the thorns’ or ‘the apple tree among the forest green.’  He'll be the only tree that bears fruit.  I can't imagine a happy family life where the couple is not attracted to and amazed by each other.  Whatever it may be.  Maybe that is the only way that they can complement each others shortcomings, because they know that in other things the partner is outstanding.  I think the only way one can accept help graciously is if they know it is not out of sympathy, but from a real and deep love of someone who knows me well and loves me despite.

What kind of obstacles do you expect to still have to overcome and what are your expectations of the future?
Obstacles?  There are plenty of those.  Mainly because he is Italian and I'm Hungarian, each with a different culture behind us.  He is 37 and I'm 22.  He is past the partying, wild phase of his life.  He's traveled from China to the USA to Mali and seen most countries in between.  He saw, experienced, heard and learned so many things that I can't even form an opinion about at least until we acquire some adventures in common.
I feel the greatest barrier is communications.  Through his past relationships he's learned to place locks on his heart and I can't understand what takes me so long to open them, when my own heart is open to him.
At the end of summer vacation I returned to Hungary because I had to return to school.  Since then we've continued our relationship with the help of the internet, but soon I’ll be going back to visit him so we can be together. Distance is a nasty thing.  I always thought distance helps a relationship, now I'm finding the opposite is true.  We are struggling, struggling and not giving up easily:-)